Where I’ve been & where I’m going

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NB. This is a long post – make sure you have a spare half hour, grab a coffee and allow time for bathroom breaks.

You’d be forgiven for not recognising me, it’s been a while, six months to be precise since my last blog post. I could pretend like I haven’t been MIA for half a year but I feel you deserve an explanation, the real question is – where to begin.

I guess it all really started when I stopped producing Lila Jean Vintage in print and I started working full time at the NSW Rural Fire Service. I started working there in winter so for a while I was able to continue Lila Jean Vintage online and work full time. But then summer happened. It was a busy fire season and being my first with the NSW RFS, it was fairly hectic, and I loved every minute of it. I was in awe of the dedication of the people I worked beside and felt honoured to be a small part of it. It was amazing to feel as if the hours I was putting in were making a real difference to people. It did however mean I had to make a choice – I just couldn’t maintain Lila Jean Vintage online and work the hours I was working – my focus was divided and in the end I chose the work that was most fulfilling. And lets be real – that actually paid.

I’ve also been questioning who I am now that I’m not the editor of Lila Jean Vintage. While I still love vintage I find myself dabbling more and more with contemporary fashion and styles. I haven’t pin-curled my hair for months – largely because the full vintage look isn’t exactly appropriate for working at the NSW RFS (although I did spend a long day working in the operations centre in a 1930s house dress over fire season!) So right now I’m just trying to work out where I’m comfortable. Perhaps getting back into blogging will help me to sort that out.

Perhaps the other reason I’ve been so absent was because I started seeing a guy, a guy I thought was honest, caring and true. Unfortunately, I was wrong. We had been seeing each other for about five months when I discovered he had been seeing someone else the entire time, someone he had told me was “just a friend”, and despite my better instincts, I had believed him. Despite our brief time together this really cut deep. I felt foolish and angry – at him and at myself for ignoring the red flags. I hate that he turned me into the “other woman” and that I inadvertently caused pain to a woman I’d never met. I hate that he turned me into a paranoid, insecure person who I barely recognised from the strong, confident woman I’d been before I met him. But most of all there are a few things I’d wished I’d had the chance to tell him.

So I’m doing it now.

TO THE MAN WHO LIED TO ME FOR FIVE MONTHS AND THINKS HE GOT AWAY WITH IT.

I wish when that photo of you and her appeared on social media I’d walked away then and there.

I wish I hadn’t believed you when you implied she was crazy and fabricating a relationship with you online.

I wish when I’d asked why she felt she had a claim on you, you’d told me the truth instead of telling me you’d “dated once” and “nothing happened”.

I wish when you stood there in front of me telling me how much you liked me but you just couldn’t make time for me right now – that I’d questioned you more, instead of just accepting it.

I wish I hadn’t texted you after you dropped me off and told you that even though it was over I was here if you needed to talk, because I was concerned that you were in that big house all by yourself.

I wish I’d known then what I know now – that you left me and went home to her.

I wish that when your mates told me the truth, I’d been a little more surprised.

I wish that when I confronted you with what I’d learnt you’d finally been honest with me.

You are not a “good guy”, despite the persona you put on to the outside world. You strung me along for five months, forming an emotional connection to me that you had no intention of ever reciprocating. You called me “cutthroat” because I believe that if someone doesn’t add value or meaning to your life then they shouldn’t be in your life. Grow up. I’m cutthroat? I’m the only person in your life who saw behind the facade and you lied to me, betrayed my trust and left me by the roadside. You think you know me? You know nothing about me because over the last five months it’s been all about you. You pride yourself on being such a good mate to everyone – but you caused me nothing but hurt, hurt that at times you dismissed and downplayed. But hey, kick on out there.

AND TO THE GIRL I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT AND WAS TOLD WAS “JUST A FRIEND” AND A CRAZED ONLINE STALKER

You deserve better.

So yeah – that’s the last six months – fairly hectic and a little heartbreaking but things can only get better. I have no time for drama or people who bring it into my life. While I’m not entirely sure what the next phase is for this blog, I do know it will be honest and authentic. I hope you can join me on the journey.

xx

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